1.
An unimaginable reality. At times, the body became numb and senseless, but this was always replaced by pain in the legs and back pain. Fluffy pillows did not reduce the pain, mats did not add comfort, fans sometimes worked, but this did not save from the stuffiness caused by a multitude of human bodies enclosed in one space.
Valery wanted to leave, to run out of this room right now. Right now, when everyone seemed to be immersed in their own realities, Valery was not at all satisfied with his personal reality. Let Mr. Goenka tell him for the hundredth time on video that these are his own savings and you can’t run away from them, sooner or later they will show up anyway. They will appear quite unexpectedly, not planned, and at the most inconvenient moment for this. And everything should be allowed to flow freely, but Valery did not understand what kind of free flow was being discussed, and to be honest, he no longer wanted to understand.
There was a cough in front, then someone began to snore, and to top it off, there was the sound of a farting base on the left side. A characteristic wave of the smell of food digested by the intestines reached Valery’s nose, and he choked. He could no longer try to concentrate on his breathing, which was so relentlessly dragging the exhaust fumes of a slagged and obviously middle-aged body into his soul.
A white cloth-covered floor appeared before my eyes. “Why white, because it will just be trampled,” he thought, and realized that he had already opened his eyes, which were not recommended to open during meditation.
People, like frozen statues, sat with their eyes closed, and tried to understand something, clean up or put things in order in their own world.
But Valery didn’t have any world, or he just hadn’t discovered it yet. It was just that when he closed his eyes, he was plunged into total darkness, which was slightly illuminated by the reflections of the sun from behind the tightly curtained windows, and in this incomplete and incomprehensible darkness he became bored.
Everything was complicated. The first three days were taught breathing techniques, which were difficult to get used to, since Valery had never encountered them. Anger grew at Oleg, who dragged him to this ashram, promising something unimaginable. Valery had no time to descend from heaven to earth at Indira Gandhi Airport and was about to take a taxi to Dharamsala, when Oleg, who had grown up as if from the ground, instead of the usual greetings and friendly hugs, grabbed his hand and led him to the car, hastily telling about the wonderful experience of some kind of meditation. Meditation, which, according to him, healed everything: both body and soul, and that, according to a friend, Valery was missing so much right now. Yes, of course, he complained to Oleg about fatigue, overexertion, because there was a crisis, and the company was going through a bad time to such an extent that a bright future was becoming questionable. And although Valery had heard about a lot of contradictory statements from Moscow Buddhists about this practice, he still fell for it. He obediently allowed his emaciated body to be loaded into a black and yellow Ambassador and sent somewhere not at all to the center of Delhi, where there were supermarkets with exotic goods and numerous street bazaars, but somewhere on the dusty outskirts. And the outskirts of Delhi are notable for garbage dumps and unsightly beggars’ houses. After Moscow was cleaned up by migrant workers, Valery was not very pleased with these views, and he was ready to be outraged, but suddenly the road led them into an open space, where clean, well-groomed fields and flourishing villages opened up.
An hour later, their car stopped at a white gate topped with a wheel with rays coming from the center, and covered with gilding.
“Here we are,” Oleg breathed contentedly and began to get out of the car with Valeria’s backpack.
And then the gate swung open, and a young Indian man looked out. When he saw the foreigners, he smiled cordially and invited them in. But something in Valeria rumbled, doubted, and bristled. He was about to turn around and take the same taxi back to the stuffy city, when the Infiniti blocking the road released colorful pantaloons into the sunlight, and then a dress with a shawl, revealing the slender figure of an Indian girl under its festive coloring, who walked straight towards the ashram, and Valery, as if mesmerized by this He followed the vision through the open gate, hardly thinking about the consequences.
But when they entered the fenced-off area of the ashram, the men and women were separated in different directions, and Valery immediately felt tired from the long journey, stuffy from the stoves heated in the sun, and wanted to sleep.
A small group of people had already gathered on the landing in front of the registration room. They were mostly Indians, who immediately began to look at the newcomers with curiosity, and only a few Europeans, who seemed to be interested in little other than their own depths of consciousness.
The boys automatically filled out the questionnaires, handed them and their passports to a courteous elderly man in rimless glasses, and headed through the sun-warmed alleys deep into the ashram.
And despite the fatigue, the first thing that caught my eye was the amazing cleanliness of the space, as well as the cleanliness of the ashram itself. The architecture is very beautiful, starting from the main gate and ending with the Pagoda, where small rooms for individual meditations were arranged in a circle. The roof of the Pagoda was crowned with white and gilded turrets, on which small bells rang, peacocks strutted around the garden, and some strange birds screamed in the trees with the voice of mewing cats.
Valery and Oleg were noticeably different from everyone else, with their beautiful toned bodies, expensive clothes, and refined manners, but the Indians took them completely good-naturedly. The Indians themselves are a benevolent people. You will rarely see envy or anger in their eyes, even if you are dressed in something exquisite and expensive, you will hold the latest iPhone in your hands, and a heavy gold chain will hang around your neck. It is successful people who usually command genuine respect in India. Perhaps because Indians have known since childhood that intelligence, beauty and wealth are the result of good deeds of a person accumulated in the past, and not something that is acquired by chance. Therefore, as a rule, they greet everyone with an unchanging smile, regardless of appearance, beauty, or the amount of money in bank accounts.
It was all incredibly enjoyable. And Valera somehow calmed down that the place his friend had brought him looked not only decent, but even peaceful, which he really missed in recent years, when he was rushing around Moscow day and night with a long-suffering desire to somehow identify himself in society. To rise to that level so that you can look down on others and tell your parents that he is no longer a boy to be manipulated, to that level so that you can buy a beautiful expensive car, rent a decent apartment, dress in luxury clothes and not depend on anyone.
They were given comfortable rooms for each of them to stay in and were strictly instructed.
For ten days he had to be surrounded only by men, not talk to anyone and give his mobile phone to the luggage room – this suited him perfectly. Because he knew that Indians were overly sociable people, and they often talked about trivial topics that clearly did not interest Valery, and he was tired of the mobile phone back in Moscow. I just wanted silence…
2.
The awakened Indian sun flooded the space. Valery took a deep breath, changed his cramped legs, and couldn’t resist turning his head and looking at where the women were sitting behind the white columns that divided the hall into two halves.
This is how it is done in India, because in ancient texts it was written that when women and men sit next to each other, their concentration on God disappears and passion flares up, just like when oil is added to a fire. When Valera heard this, he just laughed, because it seemed like a stupid statement. Tired of women’s attention, this attention did not bring him such a tremulous feeling as it would have brought to an inexperienced man or a man who was complacent about his shortcomings.
The women were mostly wrapped in shawls, most likely not because they wanted to hide from the men’s annoying stares. It was simply because it was winter in India, and it was still quite cool in the morning, and only by noon the hall was warmed by the sun. And then colorful shawls, full of intricate patterns, fell off their shoulders and gently lay down at the feet of their mistresses.
And now, if it weren’t for their quiet sighs and the barely visible movement of their bodies, one would think that this was an illusion. Because when they were divided into male and female halves, it seemed very logical at first: nothing distracted them from focusing on meditation, you didn’t have to constantly think about how they look without clothes, and how you look in their eyes, and so on. However, as time passed, thoughts of the female half, which was located on another territory of the ashram, began to visit Valery’s head more often and more intrusively.
Indian women were unknown, mysterious, always covered with flowing folds of thin fabrics that formed enticingly tight shapes on their figures, tinted with bright colors and drawings. They began to attract Valerin’s imagination as never before and excite the sensual zones of his insides.
He was about to turn away when suddenly one of the Indian women stirred, raised her hand to her face and slowly pulled back the shiny gilt edge of the shawl that was draped over her head.
The burning look in her eyes seemed like an arrow that crossed the space of the hall and struck him right in the heart. And Valeria’s heart ached, skipped and turned over, he recognized her, felt some strange insides and could not even believe that it was this Indian woman from Infinity, who seemed not to notice him at all on the day of arrival, having passed by with her relatives, now suddenly noticed him. Those eyes shone with such an extraordinary intensity of passion that it would be difficult to find something comparable in the usual female images. The European women in Valery’s eyes immediately faded, and distanced themselves in his fatigue from numerous love stories, their eyes faded and their looks became fake and fake. Even his beloved Marina, who worked in the office of the world’s most famous company in Valentino suits, with her bright orange dyed hair and huge nails in small flowers, immediately turned gray and became some kind of distant past and like an uninteresting movie.
“ Vipassana (literally seeing things as they really are) is one of the oldest meditation techniques in India. It was open
rediscovered by Gotama Buddha more than 2,500 years ago and taught by him as
a universal remedy for universal diseases.” – Valery did not continue reading. My thoughts got confused and constantly drifted off into another space. This was quite the opposite of what the Buddha once taught. It seemed that his mind wanted to go on strike, and instead of focusing on one thing, he began to spin around in a frenzied dance, as if teasing and mocking his master. For no reason, instead of the long-awaited silence, he was suddenly overwhelmed by a cacophony of sounds, phrases, screams, and melodies of forgotten songs. And the wonderful images began to fill the dark space so much, under closed eyes, which, according to the rules, could not be completely closed, that Valery began to fear for his sanity. Moreover, this unexpected passionate gaze of a stranger greatly excited his fantasy, awakened a volcano of devouring energy that craved hugs and rough sexual satiation to madness. And it was surprising, because in recent years, Valery considered himself quite an intelligent and restrained man in this matter.
The mind had to be controlled somehow. The gong sounded again and people hurriedly got up from their seats, as if everyone was already ready and just waiting for this saving sound.
It turned out that instead of concentrating on practice, the first days for Valery became a painful overcoming of his mind and body to a persevering state, and he only suffered from this. Still, he had to admit that if it hadn’t been for the looks of the mysterious Indian woman that so excited his mind, he probably wouldn’t have been able to last three days in this ashram. Even if it was filled with bizarre peacocks that made fantastic screams at night and woke him up from his passionate dreams.
Of course, in order to do something, you need to understand why you are doing it, and then everything becomes surmountable. But the video that was played after the meditation in the evening was in English, and Valery did not know English well enough to understand it with an Indian accent.
Oleg seemed to feel his friend’s torment, and in the evening, in silence, because it was impossible to talk, he put in front of Valery a book with articles by Mr. Goenka, “The Art of Life,” who was the instigator of this whole system called Vipassana, and which became so popular that similar ashrams began to open all over the world.:
“Each of us strives for peace and harmony, this is exactly what we lack in life. From time to time, we all experience anxiety, irritation, disharmony, suffering; and when a person suffers from anxiety, he does not keep his suffering to himself. He extends them to others as well.”
Valery put down the book and began to look out the window at the round bizarre walls of the Pagoda, framed by turrets and painted with oriental-style patterns. “But the construction of such an ashram costs a lot of money, I wonder where the organizers get such money from if the Vipassana course is conducted for free or for a free offering? Are there really people who are willing to donate so much money to such an event, where there is so much suffering and discomfort?”
He was sitting and eating cold chapatis with Dal when the large curtain dividing the dining room into two parts opened by the hand of a passing cook with steamed steamed vegetables, and Valery almost choked … his eyes met her eyes directly. The Indian woman was sitting directly across from him in the women’s quarters at another table and was also eating. She didn’t look away, but when she saw him, she stopped chewing and ironically bit her lip, glanced at his body with her eyes and continued her meal as if nothing had happened.
“I want to meet you,” he told her in English. But I did not hear the answer, as the curtain was immediately closed by the watchful attendants. And everything in Valeria trembled, rebelled, caught fire. As much as he wanted to distract himself from these thoughts, thoughts about this Indian woman, as if sensing this, began to take over his mind even more. And now visions began to appear before his eyes, as he literally tore off her thin fabric with bright patterns, as her dark-skinned body floated pliantly in his hands, as his face was entangled in her strong strands, as their breaths joined in a single rhythm.…
In the evening, while Oleg was in the shower, Valery quietly slipped out into the street and headed straight towards the women’s houses.
But as soon as he stepped into the intoxicating darkness of the Indian night, the heart-rending cries of peacocks could be heard from all sides. They screamed so loudly and wildly that Valery stopped in disbelief, trying to examine them in the thick darkness.
- Yes, brother, Indian peacocks are so similar to Russian jealous women. They’re just as vulgarly colorful and very loud,” Oleg said mockingly, who was already looking out of the open window of their room and wiping his head with a towel.
The guards on duty were already running down the alley and shouting something in Hindi. Valery had no choice but to return and, like Oleg, take a cold shower.
- I understand you, – the friend smiled, – it’s not the first time I’ve been to Vipassana. Don’t worry, soon everything will be much calmer in your mind. Just watch this feeling. For example, Mr. Goenka writes that “As soon as we begin to observe any pollution of the mind, it begins to lose its power.”
And since there was no way out in this situation, Valery tried to concentrate on his condition, as if watching from the sidelines. In the morning, he often fell into a doze, and in the afternoon, sometimes moments of very clear attentiveness began to appear, but so far there have been very few of them. And in the evening, during the final meditation on love for all living beings, he really felt pleasant sensations, and even joy.
In the following days, Valery almost no longer looked for the Indian woman with his eyes, but slowly began to notice that his thoughts began to calm down, and although it still hurt to sit, he began to observe with surprise that some invisible and so far unusual currents were awakening inside his body. And it genuinely surprised him.
Indeed, as Mr. Goenka promised, over time, a taste for practice was acquired. And after a while, Valery discovered that, oddly enough, he began to enjoy doing this.
Moreover, here people received the attention and care of mentors, who almost constantly sat in the hall and meditated with them.
- I probably missed it so much for many years. Because when they practice with you, the practice becomes not constant violence, not constant overcoming of laziness and unwillingness of the body and mind to obey you, but joy,” Valery once said to a friend after class and smiled, he wanted to thank him so much. And Oleg really beamed with pleasure.
The day was approaching when people were supposed to meditate on their own in the Pagoda, in separate rooms closed from prying eyes, and Valery hoped that there, when no one would see him, he would finally give himself a little rest, even maybe sleep, but it was not there. When they were given individual rooms in the Pagoda, to his surprise, he only spent one hour leaning against the wall. Valery spent the following hours properly, sitting straight with his back straight and his legs crossed, even though no one saw him. He was even pleased with himself that he had overcome this invisible barrier and become more advanced.
3.
On the last day of Vipassana, they were allowed to break the silence. There were fears that the hard-earned calm would be destroyed by talking and talking about nothing, but strangely enough, even the Hindus, who often looked at foreigners with a desire to ask questions, were calm, and even a little self-absorbed.
After the goodbyes and parting words, everyone went out into the courtyard, where tables were set up, and people who wanted to could leave their offerings for the practice.
“Wait,” Valery stopped his friend, “I want to make an offering to the ashram.”
- Yes, of course, Oleg agreed, and went to the tables with him.
Valery took out his wallet and put several thousand rupees on the table.
- Wow, – Oleg was surprised, – you are generous.
- Yes, I thought about it and did some math: we lived here in a room that costs at least 400 rupees in Indian hotels, we ate here, and that’s plus or minus 500 rupees a day, we were trained and cared for, and that’s at least 200 rupees… and multiply it all by 10 days, it turns out that the amount is not small, but initially they provided us with all this for free. I can’t take something without giving it back, it’s ignoble. And I really want this ashram to be able to help other people calm their minds and put their feelings in order, so I put more on top. It’s a great blessing to help develop such an interesting business, than if I spend the same money in some nightclub in Moscow in one evening.
“Yes, you’re right,” Oleg agreed, and taking out a few more bills from his wallet, he also put them next to each other.
The Indian at the table was beaming and sincerely thanking the foreigners, giving them receipts, when they suddenly noticed an Indian woman coming out with her luggage. Her parents were already hurrying to meet her, but she stopped, looked at Valery and Oleg, and intoned in her wonderful Indian voice:
- We can give you a ride to Delhi, there are no taxis here, and you will have to wait a very long time for the bus.
The guys smiled.
“Yes, of course,” Oleg answered for both of them without giving his friend the floor at once and immediately headed for the car. Valery followed him, but a little hesitantly.
The girl’s parents looked like a very beautiful and intelligent, but already elderly couple. Their father motioned them into the car, and the boys got into the back seat with the Indian woman. And Valery found himself right in the middle, between his friend and her.
“She seems to like you too.” Maybe you should marry her. A rich family, they live in Delhi, the girl may not be a model, but she is quite interesting. It’s very easy to do here, it’s enough to woo and show your ability to earn money,” Oleg whispered in Russian as the car sped through the dusty and littered streets of the suburb.
Valera felt her touch all over his body, the warmth of her hot oriental blood, her hand that could be touched, her ardent heart that was pounding mercilessly under a thin cloth with embossed patterns, but the Indian woman no longer stirred his insides and did not turn his head. And not because she might seem less beautiful or less interesting up close, but simply because his attention remained somewhere deep inside himself, where he felt extremely comfortable and comfortable. And he understood more than ever that this subtle feeling, which he had gained through Vipassana, was very valuable for his life, and which he wanted to prolong, absorb, nurture, and remember as long as possible, that any attention outside became not only unnecessary, but even detrimental to this feeling.
- You know, getting married can be a good thing, and the girl is very interesting, but it seems to me that I felt that a person is self-sufficient by nature, and it is within himself that he can discover the happiness that millions are looking for outside. And it seems to me that this is much more important to me now.…
Author: Elena Kshanti
