An azure haze enveloped the sandy shore of Magamuti. A little boy stood frozen above the mirrored surface of the lake. He stared in surprise at the transparency of the water and thought about something.
- Did you see the sun today? “What is it?” asked a heavyset woman named Inevitability, bending down. Her strands of long hair were silvery on her bare shoulders and wriggled into the water.
“Yes,” the little boy replied, looking up at her with eyes as clear as water. As if waking up, he slowly straightened up, looked into the distance, and, moving away from the water, sat down on the still warm sand.
- I saw it, – he continued, – it splashed in the heavenly sea, consisting of the memory of the world, splashing out on the surface, the rotten clothes of the ancestors, and forcing them to dress anew on small children, until the old material scattered into pieces turned into dust, clinging to the earth.
Inevitability closed her tired eyelids, then turned her gaze to the fading sky and sat down next to it, remembering something important, but long forgotten.
She knew for sure that there was a sun. And under the sun, something was always born, lived and died. And this set in motion certain mechanisms of the universe, it was this cycle of births and deaths that was invisibly like an eternal clock that did not stop its fatal movement for a minute. They started ticking as soon as the baby was born, like an explosive mechanism embedded in the very womb of the mother. And when the time came, a signal sounded and an explosion was heard, crushing something perceiving inside the being and forcing it to be reborn, forcing it to go through the same torments again, until this being finally realizes the futility of being and tries to jump out of this vicious circle. And Inevitability looked at the baby with her big sad eyes and knew that the destructive power of death was already beginning its countdown. But every kid wanted to be happy. He didn’t even want to think that with his first breath, he had already embarked on a terrible road to death. It will take a lot more time when he will strenuously ignore the ticking mechanism. But the Inevitable will always stand behind him and ask, “Did you see the sun today?”
But this boy was different.
- Today was a day, and there was a sun, it means that there is one less sun in your life … – the woman whispered in his ear.
“It’s gone and it’s become my past,” the boy replied softly, raking the warm sand with his palm.
- But the past is just an experience that accumulates and makes you either suffer or become wiser. And the future is just something that has not yet become an experience, and therefore your property.
- And what is the present?
- The present is what we are trying to master every minute.
- And there is no gap where both are missing?
“No,” Inevitability shook her head.
- And if I want to be outside of time and space?
- Time, Space… But these are absolutely necessary things! – the woman objected.
- They are necessary for you, because without them you will not be able to exist, and for me this may be a chance to turn off the ticking mechanism.
- Do you know about the ticking mechanism? – the Inevitability was surprised.
“Yes, I read it in your eyes,” the boy replied dispassionately.
- But why do you want to turn it off? Her face fell and her chin dropped to her knees.- After all, then you won’t be able to enjoy life, eat delicious food, love women and create masterpieces in which your name will be magnified?
- Because playing by your rules has several disadvantages.
“Which ones?”
- Well, for example, this is a human body.
- Why don’t you like your body? Her eyes widened.- It’s so cool to have a body that can be moved in space along with all its contents: meat, bones, blood, sweat and excrement. How wonderful it is when a beautiful baby’s face turns into a wrinkled apple, the skin eventually sags and turns into a shaking mass. How good it is when a body that once smelled of mother’s milk begins to emit a putrid odor, and the strength disappears from it. How fun it is to take care of your body, dress it in fashionable clothes, clean your intestines and feed it when it’s time to eat.
“No,” the boy protested, “it’s too heavy, fragile, and painful.” It subordinates my life and forces me to spend precious time on its maintenance and satisfaction of all kinds of stupid desires.
The world is full of these bodies. I am tired of the ruthless streets rejoicing with meat, sweat and voice. No need for heavy material that suffocates the shining light of the mind and soul. No need for bodies that grow, decompose, and stink if you stop washing and spraying them with deodorants.
I want the silence of silence.
“Why?” Inevitability asked.
“To avoid you.”
The boy got up from the sand, brushed off his cotton pants, and when he straightened up, he became a young man. The wind blew in his face, and his thick dark hair flew apart. His eyes looked calm and direct. He turned to the woman and continued:
- I’ve already tried to do this before. But then I was mistaken. I should have just let you be, instead of closing my eyes, pretending that you don’t exist.
But then my whole being wanted to drown in a wonderful feeling. And this feeling was everywhere, in the soft hands of his mother, in the kind eyes of his friends, in the tangled strands of his beloved. But my mother died and took with her her gentle hands, which sheltered me in moments of sadness. My friends changed and became enemies, and my beloved fell in love with another man, and even the very thought of her became hateful to my heart. And I realized that everything that my soul feels has no meaning, but only torments my heart.
“You think?” – the Inevitability was surprised again and took her chin off her knees.
The young man picked up a handful of sand and threw it into the sky. He looked into that blue space and became a man. Then, after a short pause, as if thinking, he turned around and walked back. Sitting down in the place where the boy was sitting, he winked at the woman, and hugging her with his right arm, said cheerfully:
- Yes, of course, I think and try to live a reasonable life. But life forces me to go against sound logic. And I realized that this war will never stop until I stop trying to live with reason.
My mind reflected the world I lived in. The people who taught me how to get pleasure out of my body, and the people who made me pay for it. I realized that my mind does not reflect the truth of my soul, it is only a product of the accumulated information of the surrounding world. And this information controlled my actions and imposed fictional roles on me. I ran around looking for a life-saving “Orbit” from tooth decay and was afraid to get behind the image of a successful person. But was there any value in sacrificing your precious life for her? A life in which I got the right to change the course of established things imposed by society. But I still ran to work every day and invented nylon stockings for women so that someone would want to get them into bed. And my thoughts changed according to the changing conditions of the world.
I was thinking, and my head turned into a thinking machine. Thoughts moved swiftly along the conveyor belt, inevitably causing emotions and suffering, and each time they were different. It was impossible to stop this flow and relax in silence. And I realized how valuable it is to desire the silence of thought.
“But the laws of life don’t allow it,” Inevitability chided him.
The man somehow went limp, hunched over a little, aged, and his eyes shone with a warm, kind light. His wrinkled face had noble contours, and his gray hair was ruffled by the blowing wind. He stroked his beard with his hand and said:
- The law is something that stupid people came up with, helpless before their fate and unhappy in their blindness and deafness. The wind of impermanence carries their souls from the light of heaven to the horrors of darkness, manifesting phenomena similar to the constantly shifting sand, which is the same thing. And it is nothing but an illusion.
My body is dirty
My feelings are a source of suffering.
My thoughts are fickle
The law (fixed) idea is not Me
That’s why once a little boy wanted to become empty.
Empty, having no form, no signs, no content.
Empty, like this blue bottomless sky.
Empty, which means huge, like this vast universe.
Inevitability looked at him with her huge eyes and, smiling, melted into the coastal azure of Magamuti.
/Elena Kshanti/
